Loss, love, and living for all my babies.

My house is so full with 4 children. Every day is chaotic and fun. Loud and joyful. Sometimes cranky but comes full circle. Matt and I had quite a journey to parenthood, and feel so blessed to have Noah, Ella, Luke, and Evelyn. 

You might not know, that along our parenthood journey we had 4 miscarriages. Miscarriage in today's society is often not spoken of. It's something women quietly go through, grieve in private, and try to pick up the pieces without involving too much of their community. 

That is wrong. We need each other to grieve. We need to be given tools and words and comfort. 

God has brought so much comfort to me over the years. To the point where I can say with confidence that everything does happen for a reason. That without losing those souls, Ella, Luke, and Evelyn wouldn't be here. 

But randomly the pain will wash over me, even just for a moment, even still. I can go back to that moment when I fell on the bathroom floor, seeing blood and knowing what was happening. That moment when we saw our perfectly formed 9 week old baby with a silent heart. Those are scars in my heart that don't hurt from the injury nearly as much... but they are still there. 

I want to share two promises I clung to as I healed. The first is a song I listened to on repeat:  "Your mercy flows like a river wide- healing comes in your name - helpless children are safe in your arms - there is none like You."  Oh how I meditated on those words, calling out to my Father - begging for that to be true, and knowing it is. God gave me that song during miscarriage #2. I listened to it on repeat for days as I had the constant reminder that life was leaving my body. 

The second promise came during miscarriage #4. I considered this the most difficult, because my body didn't recognize that the pregnancy was over, and I needed surgical intervention. This was most difficult also because our children grieved with us. They were older and could process what had happened. We had already named him Jude and I just knew he was a boy. I stumbled upon this blog:

That picture of heaven. I will see granddaddy scoggins, granddaddy Cagle, and more who have passed before me... and I know there will be 4 waiting- probably cutting up and looking just like all our siak kiddos- and they will call out to me "mom." 

Recently a mother in a moms group lost her 18 month old son in a tragedy. She wrote that she is doing ok, because in heaven it will just feel like a moment has passed since she was with Blake, since time is different in heaven. 

Just recently I have started to do a few things in my 4s honor. I am volunteering  as a photographer with the local pregnancy center. And I am honored, that I was approved to be a NILMDTS photographer- documenting that sweet few hours after still birth/ infant loss for families at local hospitals. 

You Siak 4, I will be with you in a moment. I can't wait to meet you, and thank God for the promises that He fulfills.