Finally

This weekend. This long awaited weekend. I've dreamed so often in my 11 years of parenting that one day, they might be closer. Because of the distance, they have had to miss so much. Birthday parties, singing in church, the big things and little things...  At the same time I have watched my fathers ministry in opelika grow. I've watched God use him in so many ways. Knowing they were right where God needed them to be.  They developed some pretty special friendships along the way - people we've all grown to love. 

But this morning, as I sat beside my sister and our spouses, and of course mom, first baptist church Hendersonville voted to have dad return as senior pastor. And I am so excited. 

I want my children to see the legacy that is being left for them. To witness my father preach live, on a much more frequent basis. I want them to bake cookies with mom while wearing those ridiculous aprons she saved from our childhood. And so very much more. This weekend means so much. 

My heart aches for the people of opelika who will be losing their pastor. But just as God orchestrated these current days He will orchestrate their future. 

I am thankful. Full to the brim with joy. 

Joy

We've had a couple of pretty big bumps in the road the past few weeks. 

I was sitting on the porch, the kids were spying while matt and I were laughing and trying to steal away just a minute together, when it dawned on me, through it all, we have joy. 

I am so thankful for my

Marriage. For the blessing it is to go to bed and wake up beside Matt Siak. This week as we have been forced to deal with emotions we don't usually have to tackle, he has stepped up and met my every need. This month we celebrate 15 years since our first date. 15 years I've loved him. 15 years of knowing him. If I could go back and tell that naive girl long ago just how good she would have it, I don't think I would've believed myself. 

Today I am thankful for him. I am blessed to have him. My children are blessed to get to call him daddy. 

And this joy that is the thread that constantly weaves in and out of our days no matter the circumstance, I am most thankful for that. 

This week.

I spent $48 in pregnancy tests buying one of every brand just because I couldn't believe you were really in there. 

You made me really sleepy and crave salty things. Which made me go up a pant size pretty quickly - but I didn't mind because it was for you, right?  

Your brothers and sister were so excited that you would one day join us. I imagined you never learning to crawl or walk because they would always be holding you. 

I had a dream you were a boy and I was going to name you Jude. After matt heard a random sermon written out of Jude - We agreed That had to be your name. 

You only lived in my belly for 9 weeks. We saw your perfect, quiet body on Wednesday. Just that sweet little body. The doctor said it appeared your little heart had stopped beating within the previous 48 hours. Your soul had already left to be with Jesus.  Friday I experienced my first D&C (our other losses were through natural

Miscarriage).  Today, I am resting at home, with a belly full of sweet treats from my ladies and the peace of being surrounded by my family.

We are thankful for you. We love you. And we can't wait to see your face one day in heaven, our sweet child.

Matt and I are already experiencing the knitting together of healing

In our hearts. I have had so many people rally around me who have traveled in these shoes I walk in this week. Without them to answer my questions, calm my fears, prayers, and standing by me, this journey would have been harder. If you go through this or something similar, don't be afraid to speak out. To ask for help and seek out people who have gone through this topic so rarely talked about. You are not alone. Grace is there.

Healing comes. And heaven will be just that much sweeter one day.